San Juan del Sur prior to wealthy, yacht people invasion
Why go to Nicaragua? Seemingly
very random spot, safety of debate, best known for Contras (if only Oliver
North knew about UUDDLRBAS). Some friends suggested I visit this Central
American country for a handful of reasons: everything's cheap, great for
surfing, there's a volcano you can board down, but most importantly again -
it's cheap. As in beers cost $1 cheap – at least Tonas do, the Nicaraguan beer
that tastes like water but is surprisingly refreshing when ice cold. Coincidentally,
the New York Times recently listed Nicaragua as the 3rd best visit
place in 2013 (http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2013/01/10/travel/2013-places-to-go.html?ref=travel&_r=0).
Ahead of the game NYT! By the way, there's supposed to be a
tilde over the "n" in Tonas, but I never know how to add those when
typing.
I don't know those people. What a creeper.
Five of us traveled to Nica for about a week –
staying the first few days in an eco-friendly residential neighborhood called
Balcones de Majagual, about 15 minutes from the southwestern coastal town of
San Juan del Sur and a 10-minute drive from beaches like Playa Maderas and
Playa Majagual -- then staying the last few nights in Leon, located more
centrally in the country.
Eco-friendly community = no flushing toilet paper
Pool in the trees! (Spiders not shown)
Our lovely pad.
After reading about options to stay in a tree in
Nicaragua, my heart was set. Balcones de Majagual was filled with vacation
rental homes for ridiculously affordable prices. We stayed in a two-bedroom,
two-bath treehouse with a pool, for around $120 each… for five days! For the
mathematically-inclined, that’s $24 per person each day. The house wasn’t
exactly Swiss Family Robinson either; we had a full kitchen, wifi (which was
surprisingly abundant throughout the country), Boggle, and an awesome selection
of blockbuster DVD titles like “Behind Enemy Lines 2” and “The Wiffler.”
Needless to say, we were set.
Living room, aka "Starsky & Hutch" viewing room
View from our patio. Feet come with rental.
What was an interesting discovery for us spoiled
American tourists, was that the plumbing is suspect in much of Central America.
While the toilets worked, we were informed we could not flush toilet paper down
the toilet. Instead we had to throw used toiled paper into a trash bin. This is
the case for much of the country and certainly in San Juan del Sur. Of course, this led to much fear of the
impending aroma, so as a result we played a point system of Chinese poker to
determine who would have to take out the trash if the scent became
overwhelming. Lose five times – earn five points, and you’re on trash detail! The
threat of earning points loomed heavily over our trip, and as it were – no one
had to ever take out the trash because we had cleaners. But believe you me –
that fear was palpable.
Smiles are misleading. Petrified here.
Playa Remanso is behind the 900 sq feet of longboards here.
If you’re not surfing in San Juan del Sur, chances
are you might get bored. The beaches in the area aren't Cancun-style - it's relatively isolated and quiet, there aren't many huge resorts (although eco-tourism is rising). If you're looking to rage like in your college days, there are better places to serve you than Nicaragua. Our concierge, Mandy, a friendly woman from North
Carolinas, said she had to open a bar (Republika) to keep herself occupied in
the lazy town. Most of the tourist attractions are geared for the more
physically active – surfing, yoga, horseback riding – and the collegiate –
booze cruises and pub crawls. Per the suggestion of a few locals, we went on
the pub crawl which hit five bars and included seven free drinks for the price
of $7 US. Have I mentioned how cheap Nicaragua is??? That being said, those
free drinks at each bar tasted like the wrong side of an airplane cushion. The
first spot we visited had a tiny pool in the corner of the bar, which seemed
phenomenal but lacked execution. I can’t tell you the name of said bar because
I jotted down the notes in my iPhone, which was destroyed a couple days later
in the surf when my Lifeproof case proved to not be life proof. In addition to
a pool, flip cup and limbo tournaments were featured on this crawl, which ended
at Henry’s Iguana, a two-story bar that was the closest thing you’ll see to Cancun
in Nicaragua.
Mitch enjoying bar pool.
Not to be confused w/One Republika - Nica's hottest boy band.
They advocate piano freestyling at Big Wave Dave's.
Playing some Left, Right, Center #2ndBestDiceGameEver
I lost a $5 exacta on that slow white pony.
Beach at SJDS. There's a mini Rio-esque Cristo statue on the hilltop.
Whether you’re a novice or Kelly Slater, Nicaragua
has a manageable wave for your skill set. Our crew was certainly closer to the
Shia LeBeouf-voiced penguin in the beginning of “Surf’s Up” – as opposed to the
end when he was crushing waves like a legend. What? Nobody saw “Surf’s Up”?
Totes good, yo. The first beach we hit up was Playa Remanso, which had mostly
smaller waves. Aside from two small beach huts that serve food and drink, the
beach is completely isolated. The rain started to dump when we there, but the
water was comfortable so we stayed out on our boards, which cost just $15 to
rent for the entire day. They’re
not great, but what’s it matter for us – we suck! My friends were able to get a
private lesson for several hours at just $30, as well.
You see, because there are rocks.
Playa Remanso 2
I don't know what they're doing. They're your friends.
Pete showing the ocean who's boss.
Why are people w/boards compelled to give hang loose signs?
Another beach to surf is Playa Maderas, aka Otter
Head Beach (self-dubbed). Interesting name, you say? Well, it’s not a
compliment. When we arrived in the afternoon, it was crowded, with lots of
stray dogs running around. Maderas is a smaller beach, but it feels like more
tourists camp out here. Surf companies usually decide which beach to take you
to solely based on the day’s currents. Anyway, when we set our towels down, dogs
hounded us like panhandlers in San Francisco. I noticed one dog was very
territorial over some chew toy in his mouth. It was an f’n otter head! One
might be inclined to ask, how do you know it was an otter head? Well, rest
assured, you can tell! This trampy dog dropped the otter head very close to me,
then started playing with another dog who grabbed the otter head, much to the
dismay of the new dog’s owner who begrudgingly had to grab the head out of her
dog’s mouth and toss it aside. That’s a run-on sentence I hope I never have to
write again. That’s Otter Head Beach. We weren’t there very long.
This is the most photogenic thing at Otter Head Beach.
Just a 5-minute drive away from Maderas is Playa
Majagual, a very isolated beach that you have to walk by private property to
get to -- private property with a rather intimidating skull and cross bones sign
that says not to trespass. Majagual is open with lush greenery, but didn’t seem
like a very swell surf beach. Swell?!!! Oh puns.
Playa Majagual. Yo vivo feo.
The true beach gem of San Juan del Sur, is the
fittingly titled Playa Hermosa. We were the first to arrive at this beach, and
as Dirk Nowitzki would say, we shut it down and went home! There’s a summer camp
vibe here, with volleyball court, bars, and hotel right in front of the beach,
which is big enough that you don’t have to worry about surfing into anyone if
that’s a concern (and the way we surf, it is a concern). The waves started
strong, but died quickly when we were there, but there are nice, rolling waves
ideal for longboarding.
Hermosa. I regret we didn't play Top Gun volleyball here.
Stretching time 'cuz we're old.
The waves disappeared for several hours.
Stingray attacks are common at Hermosa, and
it’s imperative that you shuffle or stomp your feet when entering the water… as
my friend, Stu, learned. After catching a wave – who am I kidding – after
getting demolished trying to catch a wave, he stood up and got shanked by a
stingray in the big toe. Bastards! When we got back to the bar, there were
already people sitting nursing stings. The anecdote is hot water, which apparently
burns out whatever it is stingrays do to you. (I’m not Wikipedia, go over there
for accurate, verified info!) The bartender could not be more indifferent to Stu’s plight.
He slowly grabbed a bucket of hot water, as Stu’s faced started looking like
the Japanese dude at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Some Australian guys
we hung out with the previous night likened the pain from a stingray sting to a
bullet wound, and his friend apparently had that experience to compare. The
friend was Russell Crowe. That’s a lie. Anyway, after Stu got stung, there was
a lot of sitting around drinking Tonas as we took turns heading back out to
surf.
Unnecessary CU of Stu's sting.
Post-sting Stu. He's fine.
When I did head back out, I basked in one of the
greatest, most exhilarating rides of my life. As I paddled back out, I decided
to capture the moment with my Lifeproof-cased phone, which was zipped up in my
side pocket. When I took it out, the latch was hanging open as water oozed out
– akin to a recent situation when I went surfing with a waterproof camera in
Puerto Rico. So why did I take my phone/camera out surfing in the first place?
Glad you asked, first, my GoPro randomly stopped working days before the Nica
trip, so I didn’t have an alternative waterproof device… and I’m always
compelled to capture the moment. Second, my memory is so lousy that I need to take
pics to document what I’ve done, otherwise I wouldn’t remember anything!
(Partially the reason for this blog, actually.) Third, I love taking pictures
and assumed that my Lifeproof case would be life proof. Whatever mom! Get off
my back, I don’t have to explain myself! When I returned to the bar to show everyone what happened to
my phone, the bartender immediately asked if I needed rice and grabbed a bag
for me to soak my iPhone. It didn’t work, but I appreciated it on two levels –
one for the obvious assistance, but two – for the urgency he showed me compared
to Stu and his girly little sting. Poison? Whatever, I’ve got Angry Birds to
save!
Lost my phone here. CU would show anger.
Lost phone remedy.
No filter. Looks like the backdrop in "Three Amigos."
Quickies:
Eat: El Colibri – best food in town, Mediterranean
cuisine, run by English expats – (my boy Stu asked where they learned English…
oh Stuart!); Big Wave’s Dave – good breakfast, ridiculously slow service; Bad
Ass Eats – fast, cheap tacos; Taco Shop – street tacos; El Pollito
Pescador – recommended chicken place that ran out of chicken, decent; El Timon –
seafood, excellent ceviche, good value, beachfront.
El Timon sunset.
Seafood casserole. #FoodPorn
Lobster ceviche. #MoreFoodPorn
Drink: Republika (we played a game of Jenga here and the only reason I mention it is because it was the worst game in the history of Jenga – 5 people were playing, and after 3 people went, the game was already over… 2 peeps didn’t even play!!! Pathetic); Henry Iguana’s.
Jessica is the worst Jenga player ever... and two hands is cheating!
In my 32+ years of travel, I’ve never booked a plane
ticket the day before going on a trip. Despite what I thought was myriad
independent travel, I’ve never really gone on a vacation by myself. I can now
check those off my proverbial list. Time will tell if I do it again...
There was not enough of this
I recently had four days off from work and felt
propelled to travel somewhere memorable. Thanks to Priceline, I booked a
flight, hotel, and rental car for Puerto Rico the day before flying out. I
chose PR for a combination of reasons: price, exoticness (is that a word?),
sun, surf, and caves. Yep – caves – google: Angel Caves Puerto Rico. There’s
rappelling/ziplining/river floating. I originally attached the link but it was
the size of a Joyce novel so I removed it.
I checked weather.com and it showed me a nice, sun icon that
practically offered me two scoops of raisins. Temperatures in the high 80s with
70% chance of scattered showers. Whatever, big smiling sun was good enough for
me. Little did I know, Raisin Bran Sun had plans of disappearing like the
Angels pitching staff.
Optimus Prime pooped this out
It was already raining when I landed. Whatever, I’m
sure RBS will come back later, so I rented my economy G-ride, the Scion IQ,
slightly more spacious than a Hot Wheel, and it was adventure time.
When driving the poorly labeled highways of PR, you
can’t help but wonder if they followed the right lane fast, left lane slow
rule. After driving through much of the island and logging nearly 500 miles, I
still don't know. Everybody was passing everybody everywhere, much of the time
to avoid potholes bigger than the one in Springfield that was never fixed
because the citizens wanted a monorail. What’s the general global consensus of
right lane fast/left lane slow? If you drive on the left side of the road, do
you still pass people on the left? I have no joke. I really want to know. I
think the answer is yes, but am not worldly enough to know.
If you've read this blog before, you know in general
I'm pretty optimistic. That being said, this trip made me wonder if I had to
reevaluate myself karmically. So many things went off the tracks it felt like
the universe was telling me I shouldn't have taken the trip. Much of it is
because I didn't do the requisite research I'm accustomed to before traveling.
I've come to the realization that I'm a finicky enough traveler that I'll get
frustrated if I feel like I'm not squeezing every drop of juice out of the
orange. I now present…
What Went Awry
1.) Stark Caving Sad
The caving excursion – all the rappelling, all the
zipling – was only available Fri thru Sun. I pleaded and bargained with
Adventuras PR, not happening. This is completely my fault as I didn't properly
research beforehand, and coupled with the poor weather conditions, there were
not going to be any exceptions.
2.) Cold Clocked
My
intention for my first full day was to check out Culebra, a gorgeous,
undeveloped, white-sand beached island off the territory’s eastern coast. The
only way to get there is via flight or ferry. If you’re only looking to do a
day trip, ferry departure times are 9am or 1pm. That’s it. The ferry has limited
capacity, so it’s advised you arrive at least an hour early during the non-busy
time of year. Camping out is suggested for the busy season.
View from Howard Johnson. 2x Silver Slugger Winner.
Anyway,
it should take me around an hour to get to the launching area in Fajardo, so I
set my phone alarm at 6am (by the way, did you know Puerto Rico is on
Central time? Wacky!) and went to sleep with it charging. I didn’t have a
back-up because the hotel alarm clock didn’t work, which is amazing because it
was a Sony Dream Machine, which are like cockroaches and never die. Also, I
didn’t call the front desk for a wake up – don’t have an excuse other than
laziness.
When I
woke up in the morning, I was tired but felt rested. Not good. Checked my
phone; it was completely off, which is peculiar because that’s not normally
what happens when you charge it overnight. The battery was completely cashed.
More importantly, the time was nearly 7:30am. As I rushed out of the hotel, the
lobby receptionist noted that it’s very unlikely I would make it – and it might
not even be worth it since the weather is poor. About two minutes into my
drive, I decided to roll with the punches, redirect my plans. Driving an hour
out of the way is to far to end up with bubkes (I don’t know why I just wrote
that word. I don’t use it and haven’t heard it in 20 years. Weird.), so I
decided I’d head to the western part of the island instead; check out the world
famous surfing beaches of Rincon, about 2.5 hours the opposite direction.
Culebra ain’t going anywhere, I’ll just hit that up the next day. Rerouting.
3.
Landslides: The Art of Congestion
After
enduring a good amount of traffic on the way to Rincon, according to my cartoon
map of Puerto Rico provided by the Howard Johnson (the hotel, not the ex-Met –
I know you’re confused), I was about 10 minutes away when the highway became
the parking lot after a Lakers game. No one was moving and the grandma with a
walker from “Office Space” even passed me. I debated whether to wait it out
because I’m so close, or to reroute again and find another surfing spot. As I
continued to sit in my Scion – now feeling like the hole that Andy Dufresne had
to endure after crossing the warden – I toggled between my cartoon map and a
Frommer’s Guide for the best surf spots on the island. Apparently there’s a
nearby spot that’s not as famous as Rincon, but well-known called Aguadilla.
Rerouting again.
Salitre restaurant so fresh, they serve merman.
Finding
the ocean is not difficult when navigating PR, finding a beach when you’re
using cartoon maps is more of a challenge. The rain starts to dump and after
driving for around 3.5 hrs total, I stumble across a tiny surf shop and hidden
surfer’s beach creatively called Surfer’s Beach. The surf shop clerk is from
Rincon and tells me the reason for the traffic was a landslide, and it backed
up travelers and commuters for hours. A mother loving landslide? C’mon man.
4. Camera Oops
So what
if I couldn’t make it to Rincon. I was at Surfer’s Beach now, a perfectly
hidden gem where I could attempt to surf but really
just-get-my-ass-kicked-by-the-current-and-paddle-around-for-hours. My goal was
to surf in PR; and I was doing it. After a couple hours, I was hungry and
headed to another suggested spot – Jobos Beach in Isabella.
By the
time I found it, the sun had miraculously popped up, and after a quick bite, I
headed back into the liquid. The waves here were better for
beginner/intermediate surfers and more my style, but ultimately I sucked here,
too!
One of greatest pina coladas ever. Ever.
Now prior
to making this trip, I bought a shockproof/waterproof/freezeproof Fujifilm
digital camera from Costco. To open the latch and insert the SD card or battery,
it’s a two-tier process. You have to push a button, rotate a dial 360 degrees,
then the latch pops open. Two-tier. Seems reliable.
I put
my snazzy new camera in my zipped-up board short pockets and paddled out in
Jobos. When I finished and got back to the car – in rain, of course, the
camera’s latch was hanging open. Somehow the ocean was able to work in
conjunction with the surfboard and my shorts, to open the latch... in my
pocket! The Knicks wish they had this teamwork. As I inspected the camera,
about 4 gallons of water rushed out. The camera is slightly larger than an
i-Phone, so how 4 gallons of water came out is indeed, quite mysterious. Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle should get on it. The milky-white battery fluid oozed everywhere like when the droid in "Alien" got waxed. Anyway, cue up the Jack Johnson: gone,
going, gone, everything, gone. New camera – gone. Pics/SD card – later.
5.
Ferry Bust
Cats and dogs, yo. Cats and dogs.
When I
got back to the hotel after driving through the same storm Noah built an Ark
for, I chatted with another frustrated weather-goer, who mentioned she was
disappointed about the ferry to Culebra. Considering my plan was to head out
there tomorrow, I inquired further. She said the ferry was not going to run
because the weather was too poor. Holy feces! The hotel corroborated the info. Culebra?
More like Cruel-ebra.
What
Went Right
1.
Ziplining (La Bestia) the Beast at Toro Verde in Orocovis
Advertised
as the world’s tallest zipline (but who knows if that’s really true) at 853
feet, it’s also one of the longest at 4, 745 feet. It’s a quick ride, less than
two minutes, but it’s a thrill to fly, although you’re supposed to keep all
your limbs really tight to your body otherwise the wind will stop you in the
middle and you’ll just dangle above the forest… which is what I did. High five!
Toro Verde Adventure Park, just an hour outside of San Juan, has several other
attractions that certainly seem worth experiencing.
2.La Comida
I feel
like I made up for all the inclement weather by eating like the dudes in the
KFC commercials. I ate the bones, for sure. Restaurants to visit:
PR beer = Medalla = Michelob = One-time thing
- La
Ropa Viega (Condado/San Juan) – Puerto Rican/Cuban cuisine; everything’s good.
- Salitre
Meson Costero (Arecibo) – Puerto Rican/seafood; oceanfront; incredibly fresh;
try the grilled octopus; pina coladas are registered amazeballs.
- El
Jefe Burger Shack (Loquillo) – located with a strip of food kiosks off the
highway like a row of Austin food trucks; one of the best burgers I’ve EVER had
in my life – ½-pound fresh chuck steak stuffed with Spanish chorizo
(beer-braised short ribs was another option), and topped with all fresh
ingredients, including fried egg.
- Perurrican
(Condado/San Juan) – Peru/Puerto Rican; more trendy/touristy; beachfront.
3.
Checklists
I list these here because the events were not
exactly what I would label “worthwhile,” but I wanted to brag that I crammed
more crap into this trip and can say “I did that” when conversing with fellow
pretentious world travelers.
I went on a bioluminescence kayak tour in Laguna
Grande in Fajardo. Sounds cool; my tour book said it was a bucket list
experience. Turns out, the tour book meant “bucket list of shit that’s not
worth it.” It was supposed to look like this: (http://www.kayakingpuertorico.com/pages/biobay.html).
Wrong. You could hardly see any glowing of anything in the water. I was
expecting aurora borealis beneath my board shorts. #Disappointing.
This place makes me wish I was 006
I also checked out the Arecibo Observatory, the
world’s largest radiotelescope. I don’t know what that is, and I didn’t sit
around for the talkie film that would’ve explained it to me. I did recognize it
from the end of “GoldenEye.” In case you haven’t seen that Bond movie, it’s
where Pierce Brosnan kills Sean Bean. Yeah, I specifically ruined the end for
you – just like how that experience ruined 45 minutes of my day (43 of which
were spent getting there).
Maybe those should’ve been listed in the What Went
Awry category. I sound angry. I need an Eskimo Pie.
4. I’m
still on vacation
As
crappy a surfer as I am, I still got to get back in the ocean on a board, and
the bottom line was, I was still able to go to PR for a few days.
I’ve
been asked having experienced the comedy of errors that occurred over the
course of my 4-day jaunt (just two full days though), would I do it again? I
have to admit, I would not. At least not like this. As previously mentioned,
I’ve never gone on a trip this spontaneously, and certainly never alone. I
imagine my impulses will likely test the spur-of-the-moment travel again, and I
may end up in a similar situation. If so, I guarantee I will do more research
than checking out a tour book from the library less than 10 hours before flying
out. My need to maximize my vacation as oppose to relaxing during it, is not
conducive to ill-prepared travel. I like to have my carefree time, but
sometimes that’s got to be scheduled!
Me and my IQ enjoying the rare sunset
On the
traveling alone aspect, I find it gets boring at a certain point, especially at
night. The people I met in PR I guarantee I will not talk to again. Some of the
conversations I had at the bars and casinos were not exactly winners – and I’m
not saying I’m not to blame, but while I’m smiling and conversing on the
outside; in my mind it’s like that scene in “What Women Want” when Marisa Tomei
is boffing Mel Gibson and wondering if Britney Spears is on Leno. Of course, if
this was re-shot today, Tomei would be wondering when Gibson will start burning
crosses, but I digress. (And don’t act like you haven’t seen “What Women Want.”)
Some of
my family and friends can handle solo travel far better than I – check out my
buddy’s better written and more entertaining blog for an example: (http://www.siliconvalleybachelor.com/).
For me, I’d rather share the travel experience with someone I care about, as
opposed to finding new people to care about them with. That being said, I’m
glad I finally did something like this, even if it’s taken more than 3 decades.
One of the best things about travel, alone or with others, is that it’s always
a process of self discovery. While spontaneous travel can be incredible,
sometimes you need to slow down and breathe. Like highway driving,
you have to know your lane. In this instance, I’ll stick to the right.
85% Goose/15% grapefruit. Think they valued the fresh juice more
