The LAP File: The Great Barrier Reef

LAP = Lazy Ass Procrastinator Files

This long procrastinated blog is the conclusion of my Australia trip, which ended in Cairns at the Great Barrier Reef. The LAP Files are just captioned photoblogs. This was from February 2012.

Warning: If you chose to read captions, you will eventually learn about kangaroo and butterfly sex. Not interspecies. That's disgusting, weirdo. 

View from the Holiday Inn. Immediate impressions of Cairns - very similar to many beach locales - Caribbean, Hawaii. Very temperamental weather.

McDonalds in Australia makes you feel like a fatty. Australia in general, is a very expensive country. So in an effort to save some cash, my sister and I went to McDonalds for dinner. I ordered the McOz meal, which is like the Big N' Tasty (do they still have those?) with beet. I also got a chicken sandwich because I was famished. It cost $12. Yes, I spent $12 on myself at McDonalds. Then I cried grease tears until I feel asleep.

This was a sign at the international market, which is very much like the one in Honolulu, except there are more cheap massages being offered by Asian folks. That does not include the dude in the koala cartoon.

Oh sweet. His name is Max. And he's Australian made. Unless that's a rogue sticker. Then I've been duped.

If you knew me in high school and college, or saw the giant 27 on my 4Runner, you would understand the significance of this seemingly random photo. #Mighty27

Heading to the Great Barrier Reef. And the weather is awesome! By that I mean no. #StillGiddy #MadAir

There are several reef tour options. I chose Reef Magic, and I'm not sure I'd suggest that's the best one.  It costs $185 US dollars and the tour takes you to the farthest and largest reefs, or so it advertised. It took about 90 minutes to ride out to Moore Reef in the Outer Reef, which is apparently where you want to go. Instead of being able to snorkel the entire large reef, we were only allowed to explore a small buoyed area roughly 1/8 of the reef. There's an optional $45 safari tour for snorkelers that took us around the larger reef area, which are most of the photos you'll see below. I snorkel because I went scuba diving once and panicked like Daniel-san before he met Mr. Miyagi. That story coming in future Caribbean blogs.

This is Wally. Is that his name because he's a walleye fish? Nope! He's apparently a Napoleon fish around 5-feet long. What a fatty! He looks cool, though. This photo cost $15. Screw you, Wally.

Here's your education: there are more than 500 different type of coral and 2000 different animals in the Great Barrier Reef. The Latin name of this is Grape Vines without Grapes. Pretty sure.

This is a gigantic clam. And the inspiration for Lombard Street in San Francisco. Pic taken from a glass bottom boat tour that was super boring. Weather plays a huge role in how much you can see snorkeling or diving, and much of the day it was overcast.

I followed this white tipped reef shark like he owed me money. Like I was Walter White and he was Jesse Pinkman. That's not a very good reference, but I've been binge watching "Breaking Bad." Whatevs.

I told you I followed these sharks. There's like 80 more of these stupid pics. I'm like Urkel chasing Laura. "Just go out with me! Stop running!" That's a better reference. #Pleased

Speaking of following... Leave me alone, fatty!

I was bringing this thing around for my sister - taking ridiculous pics kind of like the Travelocity gnome. The fish were baffled. I dug this one 'cuz a bubble is coming from his mouth. He's breathing!

School's out like Alice Cooper. #IGotNothing

This neon dude is cool. Pretty sure he's called "Lebron James shoe color prototype 6." Or "Trapped in Miami Vice Decor."

This fish is called "Baylor Rejected Uniform." Let me air my grievance about never finding nemo. I was on a mission to find a clown fish and those lil fellas weren't feeling it. I was Albert Brooks without Ellen. #MuchSadderFilm

Pretty neat pubic park in Cairns. It's got stuff.

Welcome to Captain Matty's Barefoot Tours. He's sitting shotgun here. Not a very good pic. Capt. Matty's got huge dreads and a solid TripAdvisor score. He's an ex-rugby player that drives around in a VW bus that had a luau explode in it. The tour took us to the Atherton Tablelands. It's a solid deal and the Captain keeps it rolling.

This tree is poised for climbing...

I hope the Avatar tribe doesn't take offense to me climbing all up in this ish.

I like climbing and jumping off stuff. Apparently I'm 5. You know this already.

I believe we slid down these rocks, but I don't remember anymore. So let's just say it happened.

The sun popped out here, but it didn't last long. 

Beneath a fall. Daniel Day-Lewis was on the other side looking for Madeleine Stowe. If y'all get that reference, you're as big a cinephile as Michael Bolton.

We stopped for lunch at this tiny town called Milla Milla. It's where Crocodile Dundee's mates all hung out and drank Fosters, which as we all know, no Australian actually drinks. Milla Milla had 5 stores, plenty of VB beer, and tequila shots. Didn't expect this trip to turn into UCSB, but Capt. Matty certainly tried.

As you can see, the weather did not improve. Here's the Captain's bus. Matty is well informed about a lot of weird things, like butterfly and kangaroo mating (not together). Butterfly mating involves males following females and shooting pheromones at them, eventually the females give in. That sounds like roofies. Super uncool dude butterflies! Jerks. Meanwhile, female kangaroos have incredible sexual control and can have sex with numerous males, then hold up to five different sperms and decide which sperm to reproduce with. They can also stop and resume pregnancy at any time. This is all according to Captain Matty and has not been checked by other sources. But honestly, would Matty lie?

That's Matty. Does he look like a guy that would lie?  

This is Josephine waterfall, which is used in Herbal Essence commercials. Apparently, every woman who uses Herbal Essence shampoo and bathes in this water has a really enjoyable experience. I did not witness any such thing, however.

I slid down some of these rocks, too. #CuzImCoolLikeThat

The beach in Cairns. Leaves a little to be desired on this day. #Muddy

Adieu from the hotel.