Thursday, March 3, 2011

Charlie Sheen: Actor, Pitchman, Warlock

You don't mess with a warlock. Exes are one thing, law enforcement and sorcerers another, but warlocks? Nope. Their mastery in the arts of black magic is reason enough to keep clear of warlocks, a term that’s been seldom-used or heard in the last 200 years (outside of Julian Sands-starring horror flicks). But “warlock” is exactly what Charlie Sheen described himself as on “The Today Show” on February 28. In regards to his on-going dispute with CBS, the 45-year-old actor told the morning show his old network "picked a fight with a warlock."

Nevermind the financial dispute between Sheen, CBS, and “Two-and-a-Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre. Nevermind the Golden Globe-winning actor’s ludicrous demand for $3-million an episode. Nevermind his simultaneous relationships with porn star and model/nanny. At what point exactly did Charlie Sheen become more batty than Bruce Wayne?

Sheen’s recent press tour has provided a cornucopia of crazy; an endless cauldron of weird, although a bona fide ratings coup. In that same Today interview, the jittery actor described his 36-hour cocaine bender as “epic behavior.” Then said he’s above addition because he’s got “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA”, which makes him “special”. Although he did admit to “20/20” in a special called “In His Own Words”, he’s on one drug – “Charlie Sheen.” If you’re curious, the FDA has not approved said drug. “It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die,” explained Sheen. “Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Who would’ve thought Sheen’s words weren’t English, but cuckoo? I will give this to Bud Fox – his descriptions are creative. He’s tapped out all the imagery in Roget’s Thesaurus for the Looney.

Sheen’s career has had more than its fair share of missteps, accidentally shooting one-time fiancé Kelly Preston, but this one seems like a Mel Gibson-sized blunder that could ruin his career for good. Forget the awkward chemistry with Michael Jordan in Hanes commercials, Sheen’s awkwardness is more like casting Jordin Sparks in a remake of “Michael Collins”. His famous father Martin chimed in, likening Charlie’s addiction to cancer. The son responded on Radar Online: “Jeez, dad, shut it. Okay, Pop walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those motherf***kers who look like me.”

Hollywood loves a comeback story, and industry experts believe Sheen’s career still has a shot at redemption. In the meantime, Sheen’s inner circle needs to try to quiet the outlandishly outspoken actor. In this situation, there can be a hero. I’m looking at you, Emilio Estevez. Like in “Young Guns”, when Charlie goes down, you can take the reins and save the day (although with an ironic twist since Billy the Kid should actually be a villain). You showed such promise in films like “Men at Work” and “The Mighty Ducks”, that I’m sure you have the power to vanquish the warlock and bring back the actor everyone loved in “Ferris Bueller”. Seriously, Emilio, help a brother out.

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